


and boring, *boring* sex

by Bootstrap_Paradox



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Hand Jobs, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, a lot of repressed feelings (classic todd), couple of dudes being gay, couple of guys being dudes, guess what happens next, just a couple of dudes being guys, repressed feeelings, show me your dick Dirk, todd very holistically walks into dirks room at the exact wrong/right moment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:14:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24509746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bootstrap_Paradox/pseuds/Bootstrap_Paradox
Summary: "Naturally, workplace laws (and occasionally the laws of physics as well) do not apply to this particular agency. Walls can change colours, and chairs can become Mona at any minute. Cases can start unexpectedly, in the middle of the night, unbeknown to everyone, including the client. And detectives can be disturbed offensively early in the morning, and right in the middle of somewhat important and distinctly private activities…"
Relationships: Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently
Comments: 3
Kudos: 58





	and boring, *boring* sex

Rule number one of living with your best friend: never walk into their bedroom without knocking first…

*

Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency is a very special kind of workplace. First of all, it is hardly a workplace to begin with; almost six months after getting an office, and they have spent less than a week worth of days combined inside of it. Second, you couldn’t quite call it “work” either. It’s not that the employees are lazy or idle - things are still happening, tasks are getting done - but would you qualify them as work? I don’t think so.

Naturally, workplace laws (and occasionally the laws of physics as well) do not apply to this particular agency. Walls can change colours, and chairs can become Mona at any minute. Cases can start unexpectedly, in the middle of the night, unbeknown to everyone, including the client. And detectives can be disturbed offensively early in the morning, and right in the middle of somewhat important and distinctly private activities…

*

-Ugh. - First wakes up Todd, then wakes up Todd’s brain.

He reaches blindly for his phone and fumbles under the pillow, grasping at the sheets and candy bar wrappers. The phone stops ringing the second his fingers close around its plastic surface.

-Fuck. - He mumbles, opening one eye just enough to see the screen.

A missed call from Farah. Farah, who hates mornings, and hates phone calls, and knows better than to bother him like this at 6:25AM on a Saturday. He realizes that something strange and interesting and case-y must have happened before he hears her voice on the other end.

Five minutes later, and he is already walking across the corridor, barefoot and wearing just the t-shirt and the underwear he slept in, excited and eager to share the news with his roommate/best friend/boss. This early into a weekend (and a new adventure), Todd is not thinking much before he acts. Knocking doesn’t even occur to him when approaching the door of Dirk’s bedroom. He simply opens it in one not-so-swift motion and barges in.

-Dirk, some really weird shit has happened in… - Todd starts, then closes his mouth mid-sentence.

Dirk is awake. He was awake before Todd came in, that much is obvious. He is in his bed, and the soft golden rays of dawn are breaching through the curtains and highlighting his figure. His feet and ankles sticking from under the thin white blanket. His neck, collarbones, and chest, bare and exposed. His face, blank and slowly turning a subtle shade of pink. And his right arm, hidden from view by the blanket…

-Oh. - Todd says.

It is all Todd _can_ say at the moment. Having lived for two years in a college dorm, he doesn’t need any more context to grasp the situation. Now, he should leave. Now, he should apologize and step out and pretend like he didn’t see a thing.

But Todd is not doing any of that.

And he has no idea why.

-I should have knocked. - He says instead.

-You really maybe should have considered that, Todd. - Dirk replies.

Despite wanting nothing more than to look away and stare at the ceiling, Todd finds himself locking gazes with Dirk. It doesn’t help.

-You should have locked the door, perhaps. - Todd continues.

-I possibly could have had done it, yes. - Dirk agrees. - But I evidently have not. And you most definitely did not knock either.

-Yes. I understand. - Todd replies.

He doesn’t understand _anything_ , least of all why he is not currently in the process of getting the hell out of Dirk’s bedroom.

-So. - Dirk says, his right hand now out of the blanket and resting on top his raised knee. - Do you have a plan for how we are going to progress out of this situation?

Todd is looking at Dirk’s hand, and at his fabric-covered knee. Todd cannot help but look at it, cannot force himself to take his eyes off that hand. Cannot stop thinking about what that hand was doing just now. And he doesn’t have a plan. It is rather normal for him to not have a plan, but right now he does not have a plan _especially_.

A minute passes by in silence.

-Todd? - Dirk asks, now increasingly confused (yet strangely just as aroused).

Their eyes meet again, and this time, there is _something_ in that look, something fiery and intense and exciting and… mutual? Dirk’s ability to read from intonations and expressions and Looks is rather limited but in that instant he is almost sure that they are speaking the same language, communicating the same thought, the same desire.

He is feeling quite brave on that fine Saturday morning. He gives Todd just a few more seconds to leave or say something before he will test his hypothesis. Secretly, he almost wishes for Todd to turn around and walk away _immediately_. That would be simple. That would be safe… but Todd does not leave.

Todd - brilliant, wonderful, _handsome_ Todd - is still standing there, motionless, and watching Dirk’s right hand.

And Dirk cannot disappoint, so he gives him something _to_ watch.

Todd makes one and a half step forward and leans back against the wall. He hasn’t a clue what he is to do next. After all, he has never been present for another man jerking off. He has also never felt attracted to a man before. Not once not ever. _Or_ , maybe he has, maybe more than once, many more than once, but has not admitted it to himself, has not registered it as attraction. Has not dared.

It could have been easy to deny in the past but not today. Not this time. Not now that he is about a meter away from Dirk’s bed, from Dirk’s hand as he strokes himself, eyes closed, lips parted slightly, seemingly enjoying the act of being observed. It goes on for a few minutes. While Todd stays still, paralyzed by all the emotions currently flooding his conscious mind like a tsunami, Dirk is starting to get into the rhythm of his own private show.

He stops for a moment and grasps the edge of the blanket, watching Todd’s face for any signs of discomfort or hesitation. There are none. So, Dirk begins to pull the blanket down, dragging its edge across his stomach, revealing, slowly, first the outline of his hips, the skin of his thighs, and, not without a tiniest of gasps from the sensation of fabric brushing against it, his erection.

Todd is transfixed. He barely feels his face flush with colour as his shoulders slump and he slides ever so slightly down the wall. Dirk adjusts positions, giving him an even better view. He sits up and spreads apart his legs. His eyes are open, gaze wondering around (mostly on Todd’s slouching figure) as his hand continues to slide up and down his dick, fingers grasping firmly, speeding up then slowing down again, teasing the sensitive skin on top then going back to the base. Todd is not sure how much of that is _just_ for him to see. He doesn’t care.

He does notice when Dirk’s eyes stop wandering and settle on one point. Todd looks down and realized immediately what caught Dirk’s attention. He is hard too. The thin layer of his boxer briefs is stretched across his skin, almost snug enough to bother him. Dirk pauses once more. This warrants a response. He wants to say something at first, then changes his mind and, looking directly at Todd, shifts to the right, freeing enough space on the bed for another person.

The gesture is registered and processed. Todd hesitates. He wants this, wants so badly to get rid of his clothes and touch himself… the erection close to hurts, demanding action. Can he do is? Is he… _allowed_ to do this? He figures the moment is crazy enough as is, and there’s no going back anyway, right? So he takes the seat. Takes the seat so, so close to Dirk, and slides his thumbs under the rubber band of his underwear, and pulls it down to his ankles.

Everything that happens then is a bit of a blur for Todd. He watches Dirk reach towards him, feels the hot skin of Dirk’s hand, nods as some cool, slick gel is dispensed on his palm.

They sit just a few centimeters apart at first, each touching themselves. Neither is sure how it happens, but soon the gap between their bodies is closed. Both are breathing heavily. Todd senses the warmth of Dirk’s thigh pressed to his own and that alone forces a moan to escape his lips. He glances to his right. The side of Dirk’s mouth goes up. He doesn’t know what is going on, but he is liking it. Very much.

It is quite obvious how the situation must progress. They started off apart, and now Todd’s leg is resting on top of Dirk’s, Todd’s t-shirt is crumpled on the floor, and they are close enough to hear each other’s rapid heartbeats. The only way further, closer, is to take direct action.

The same thought occurs to them both at the same time. They stop, again, and lock gazes, again, and words are not necessary. Like zombies, thoughtless, all-consumed by attraction, they move towards each other, eyes blinking shut just a microsecond before their lips meet. The kiss is sloppy, hungry, fueled by months of repressed desire. Todd feels Dirk’s tongue in his mouth and fears he might pass out from the pleasure. How he could have not known that he wanted him so desperately?!

The kissing is enough only for a short while; soon the need for touch, for sensation, for closeness, wins, and they edge even nearer to each other. Wandering, exploring hands find their targets almost at once.

When Todd’s fingers brush and curl around him, the only words that come to Dirk’s mind are curses. He feels his hips move, thrusting slightly into Todd’s hand, while his own continues its strokes. Their motions are erratic, hasty, needy, but it hardly matters now. All that exists are the magical, electric waves of pleasure, stifled moans against each other’s lips and the soft warmth of another’s skin.

It doesn’t last long, and it also lasts forever. The sensation is overwhelming, so powerful it takes over completely and leaves them both breathless, hands moving fast, gasping, crying out every time another’s fingers hit a particularly sensitive spot. Both are on the edge in minutes. There is no stopping, no slowing down; just wanting more and more, until it is almost too much, until the euphoria almost hurts. Builds up in an instant, peaks, and spills over the edge.

Mere seconds after his own orgasm, Dirk senses hot, sticky liquid on his palm, feels Todd’s body shudder with bliss. Some time for catching their breath and coming back to reality, and they are staring at each other, speechless, as if they are only just realizing what has happened. Todd blinks and licks his lips. Here he is, naked, sitting next to his best friend, also naked, semen on his hands, semen on his friend’s hands… on the bedsheets as well…

-Shower? - Dirk says, and Todd is not sure whether that is a question, a suggestion, or a recommendation - but he nods in agreement.

*

Half an hour later, and they are drinking coffee together in the kitchen, fully clothed and relatively calm.

-So. - Dirk begins, dropping another sugar cube into his cup. - Should we talk about..?

-No. - Todd doesn’t let him finish. - Not right now.

-Reasonable. Agreed. - Dirk replies, then pauses. - Not at all talk about it or..?

-Not at all. - Todd gulps down coffee, which burns his tongue and throat. - I am not mentally prepared.

-Right. Sure. - Dirk taps his fingers on the coffee mug. - What were you going to tell me, before we, uh… - The sentence trails off.

-Oh. - Todd says. - Oh! The thing. - For a while, he was living in a world where cases and the detective agency did not exist. - There’s, uh, penguins? Missing from the zoo. And it looks like they organized an escape? I don’t know. - He shrugs. - Farah called and told me that.

-Penguins escaping from the zoo? - Dirk repeats. - Like in that cartoon where the animals get together on a ship to go have a holiday on a tropical island with cross-dressing rats?

-Cross-dressing… - Todd frowns. - Madagascar?

-Yes, that one.

There is a pause. A long, _long_ pause.

-Yeah we should talk about it. - Todd gives up. – About the sex. – He adds. – Not about Madagascar.

*

And so they do.

*

Talk about it, I mean.

*

But not before making out for long enough to let their coffee get cold.

**Author's Note:**

> if you want more DGHDA content, feel free to follow me on tumblr at bootstrapparadoxed.tumblr.com


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